Monkey Toes
by Yanagi-wa
Summary: Relena has Duo over for a Saturday. He never does get to teach her to spit. Sequel to Corrupting Relena


Monkey Toes

Duo bopped up the stairs looking around for Relena. They had a date. He was going to teach her to spit. He'd promised.

After all she'd stayed with him through some pretty serious shit and protected him with a fierceness he'd never expected.

"Hey, Kid. You seen Lady Peacecraft around anywhere?"

"Yes."

"Holy shit."

The 'kid' was Relena. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, covered with a light jacket. The clothing, along with the billed cap she was wearing, made her look like a sixteen or seventeen-year-old boy.

"Well, tie me up and tickle me. You look good. Not so . . . Um . . ."

"Maxwell . . . get your foot out of your mouth. You hungry?"

"Always."

Duo eyed his plate with a calculating eye. It looked plenty full enough, without being too full.

"Duo, you can have all you want. And go back for seconds if you like."

"Relly, that's not a good idea. I'll get sick if I go back for seconds."

"I thought you were all over the effects of the drugs."

I am. It . . . well, um. I . . . you wanna sit down and lets start eating. There's a tale attached to this and it's kinda long."

Relena led the way to a nicely set up table on the veranda. The view was beautiful, and Duo took the time to admire it, and eat some of his food, before he started his story.

"You won't believe this, but I'll tell it any way. I'm a Starveling Child, courtesy of L2." Relena interrupted him, "I know that. So . . . " Duo sighed. "Listen to me and don't interrupt, or I can't tell it. It's embarrassing enough as it is." Relena reached out hesitantly to pat him on the arm. "I'm sorry. If it's really embarrassing, don't tell." He shook his head. "No you need to hear it."

Duo lifted the edge of his plate. "Look here. This is more food in one place than I had in a week sometimes, and it's all clean and fresh, and . . . well, not rotten."

"You ate rotten food? That's . . . horrible."

"No, the desperation is what's horrible. I ate garbage. I ate out of dumpsters. Anything to fill the hollow inside. But . . ." Duo plastered on his best jester grin. "I survived."

Relena stared at him for a second. She had just realized that that smiling mask hid a multitude of pains.

"Duo . . . I . . . "

"Do _not_ say I'm sorry. It's ok, really it is. I'm alive and that's what counts. But to get back to the subject . . . Since I _am _a Starveling Child, I have to watch myself, especially around banquets and buffets. I'll eat til I'm sick and throw up. Heero usually goes with me to stuff like that, so he helps me keep an eye on what I'm eating. If he's not around, I'll just fill one plate and eat that, no more."

"Oh, well. I have a fair idea of how much someone like . . . well, your size should eat, so I'll see you don't get sick. How's that?"

Duo looked at the food spread out on the buffet and decided. "OK. But if I get sick I'm pukin' on _your_ shoes."

They ate in companionable silence for a while, then Duo grinned, a real one this time.

"Hey. I didn't know you even owned jeans. And especially not a t-shirt. Where'd you get them?"

"I went to a store and I bought them where do you think I got them. The magic clothing fairy?"

Her smile took the sting out of her words.

"Well . . . I kinda thought it might be beneath the dignity of the Queen of All Things. I mean, going into a discount store and all."

Relena looked like she might cry for a second. "Is that how you really think of me? I mean Queen of . . . Oh Duo. I don't want to . . . "

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry. Don't do that. Heero'll cut me a new one. I just . . . well, you are who you are and . . . I'm just a dumb street rat."

Relena reached out and gave Duo a very gentle smack on the cheek, Duo gave her a deer in the headlights look.

"Don't ever sell yourself so short again. At least not in my presence. Next time I'll have Heero smack you. You're smart. I sat right there and watched you figure that fixed wing formula, in your head, and you said that you can figure course corrections and fuel loads and something else in your head too. So you can't be too dumb."

"Yeah? Well, there's lots I don't know. Stuff that get's me in trouble all the time. I"m sorry about that Queen of All Things crack. I wasn't nice. I didn't mean it like that."

Relena started walking into the garden, knowing that Duo would follow her. He did and they walked for a while, looking at the different flowers.

"Hey! Echinacea. Relly, you got an Apothecaries garden here. This is so cool. I never saw most of this stuff cultivated. I always had to go out and hunt it up. Look, King's Foil. And this is Fox Glove, Digitalis. And that's Slippery Elm, for coughs and over there is . . . damnit, shut me up I'm babbling."

"It's nice babbling. I wouldn't have thought that you would know tulips from tansy."

"Well I don't. I don't know anything much about ornamentals. Just medicinals. We didn't always have medicines, so we all learned about wild medicinal plants. Not as reliable as pills and such, but better than nothing--except they all taste like boiled hay. Yuck! But they also don't have the bad side effects that chemical medicines have. You really want to know about stuff like that you should talk to Wuffers. He knows so much it's really scarey."

Duo suddenly turned with a stern expression on his face; arms out spread as if to stop someone. "Hey, you!" he pointed to a bumble bee buzzing around a stem of Chamomile. "Don't you know that you can't fly?"

Relena gawked at Duo, who stuck his tongue out at the bee. The sight of Gundam Pilot 02, renowned demolition expert and computer hacker, twenty-year-old ex-terrorist, sticking his tongue out at a bee put Relena on her butt. She laughed so hard she had to sit down, and Duo wasn't far behind her, as he laughed so hard he had to lay flat on his back.

"Oh man. That was good. I like it when you laugh. It's like little bells. Question?"

"Thank you. No one has ever complimented me on my laugh before. And, yes."

Duo rolled over on his stomach and eyed her for a moment as if trying to formulate his question.

"Do you really like those suits you wear or what?"

"I don't even pick the things out. I have a Wardrobe Mistress who takes care of all my clothing. She buys them."

Duo crowed in triumph. "I knew you didn't buy those jeans. I knew it."

"Yes, I did. I buy all my . . . personal clothing. I don't buy, pick, or even worry about the things I wear to public appearances. She does. Why should I waste my time on things I'll only wear once or twice."

"Well, I . . . those . . . um."

"You're going to choke on that."

"School? When we were in . . . I . . . aw, shit."

"Oh! Those horrible school uniforms. Those things feature in some of my . . . less frightening nightmares."

"You have nightmares about school uniforms? I wish."

"I'll tell if you will . . . I'll start. My nightmare is; I'm in the auditorium, we're having a fashion show and I'm walking down the runway wearing a uniform made out of sacking, and you and Heero are laughing your heads off, with Quatre taking notes and Trowa and Wufei sneering in the background. Now you tell one."

Duo suddenly looked serious.

"Relena you don't want to hear about my nightmares. They'll give you the same."

Relena signed and hung her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up . . . bad . . . it's ok. You don't have to tell if you don't want."

Duo gave her a speculative look and decided it was time for some hard truth, he wouldn't tell her any of the really bad one but this one wouldn't give her the screaming meemies.

"Well . . . one of my nightmares is; I'm handcuffed and shackled; with gundanium, so I can't break them and they've cut my hair, so I've lost all my picks n' stuff. So, I'm waking down this long hall and they're all spittin on me an' callin' me baby killer n' other stuff. And when I get to the end of the hall they chain me to a post and I look up and there's Dekim Barton lookin' at me with this self-satisfied look on his face. That's when I realize that we've lost. I look around and there's all my friends at posts just like me and I know we're all gonna get executed. I usually wake up all sweaty and screamin'"

"OH! My god. How awful, that's just terrible. That's a hundred times worse than my worst one. How . . ."

"Yeah, but that's mild compared to some of the others, and no, I'm not tellin' ya. They ain't fit for a dog, much less a lady."

Duo firmly changed the subject, kneeling down to untie his boots, and incidentally, give Relena time to wipe her tears.

But Relena had latched onto one thing he'd said with a vengeance.

"Duo? I know that your hair is like a . . . a repository of memories. But . . . well . . . you, they . . . shit! I don't know how to ask what I want to know." Relena smirked at Duo. "Thought I'd fuckin' forgot didn't you asshole."

Duo nearly wet himself he laughed so hard. "Man I really did corrupt you, didn't I. Well, here. I'll show you. But when I say that this is classified I mean it literally."

Duo started unbraiding his hair. And taking things out of it. There were two sets of lock picks, a knife, an odd looking electronic apparatus, and an MP3 player so small that it didn't look like it could hold any songs. Then he pulled out a small ball of some shrink-wrapped, putty-like stuff and what she recognized as a set of detonators and a trigger.

"Un . . . Duo? That's high explosive compound. And those are detonators and a trigger. You're carrying enough explosive to blow up a small building . . . in your hair? Yikes. And that electronic thingy . . . "

"Damnit Relly. That thingy, as you call it, is state of the art. It's a swipe card lock reader . . . Here . . . see. You swipe this through the lock and it reads the code and then you swipe it again and it unlocks the door. Here. Don't mix up the picks, please."

"Mix them up?"

"Yeah. There's two different sets, for different kinds of locks." Duo showed her the different ends on the picks. "See. These are for door locks and like that. And these are for padlocks and file cabinets. Different locks, different tools. And there is always brut force if you don't mind leaving . . . well . . . a damn _I've been here _sign."

Duo shook his head, shaking off bad memories, and smiled at Relena. "Anything else?"

"I see your MP3 player, it's so small. I don't see how you get much in it."

"Yeah? Well, it's a tenth generation iPod and it holds a hundred gig. It's got everything ever published that I think worth listening to."

"Oh . . . what do you like."

"It's easier to say what I don't like, than what I do. I don't like Existentialist Jazz and Country and Western. Search for form in formlessness, my ass. And sing through your nose? Blow it please! Hey. You know that my attack music is Ride of the Valkeries?"

"No shit?"

"Shit you not!"

"Un, Duo. .. Why did you take your boots off? I don't mind, I'm just curious."

"I like the feel of grass under my feet. I never even saw grass until I was . . . like, fifteen."

Relena did the math in her head, fifteen meant that he'd never even seen grass until he came to earth in Operation Meteor.

"Well, this grass is all yours to walk on any time you want. Oh, by the way. Now that you have your boots off. You said you have Monkey Toes. What?"

Duo, who was re braiding his hair and tucking his tools back into it, looked up with a wide grin and, finishing braiding, snapped the elastic on the end of it.

"Well . . . un . . . here." Duo dug a marble out of his pocket. Why he had a marble in his pocket was never explained to her satisfaction. He dropped it on the ground in front of him and picked it up with his toes. He dropped it and picked it up with the other foot. Then he leaned over and took it out of his toes with his teeth. Relena just gaped.

"Here. Take . . . no, wait a sec."

Duo disappeared into the trees leaving his boots and the marble behind. Relena just looked at the boots and thought 'how strange, they're almost as small as mine' she unlaced her sneakers and slid her foot into one of Duo's boots. It was only a half size too large.

"Hey! Get your own." Duo plopped down on the grass and laughed at Relena's embarrassed expression. "Those are Preventer issue. I'm sure you could get a pair if you really want them. Here tie me up."

He handed her the rope he'd gotten from one of the security men in the area

"Excuse me?"

Duo snorted, "If you think you can keep me tied, I'll pay a forfeit."

"What will you pay?"

"What do you want?"

"Next ball. You have to stay by my side and dance with me. You can dance can't you?"

"Yeah. Heero taught me."

"Ok. Lay down on . . . you know, I have no idea of how to tie someone up. That's not in the princess training school curriculum."

Duo called one of the 'invisible' security men and let him tie him up. The man was smirking like crazy, and just walked away, remarking that when they were through with it, the rope needed to go back in the SUV.

Duo rolled over and ran after the man. "Here, I"m done . . . " he looked at Relenas' open mouth. "Un, maybe you should try again?"

Relena watched as the man tied Duo up again. This time he stood watching as Duo untied himself again, slowly. He rolled over and compressed his hands into a third the size, which made them the same size as his wrists, pulling hard, he slipped them from the loops and, using his toes, untied the loop around his neck. Then he untied the knots at his ankles and smirked at them.

"And failing that, there's always the knife in my braid. I usually try to keep that for real emergencies." Turning to the security guard he ordered, "You didn't see that. Right?"

The guard paled slightly "Yes sir. Blind as a bat."

He took the rope and hurried off.

"Wow that was . . . impressive. First, the untiing was . . . well . . . you're really flexible and two . . . I never saw Gary so . . . um . . . nervous around anyone."

"He's worked with me a couple of times. I helped train him. He knows what I can do. Relly, I know you don't really understand. I'm not all happy, bouncy Duo. I'm . . . well. I know six ways to kill a man with a paperclip. I'm dangerous in a way you'll never see, I hope . . . but enough with the hard ass stuff. I'm gonna climb that tree."

Relena looked up at the ancient oak tree Duo intended to climb.

"I"m coming too." At Duo's startled look. She exclaimed. "What? I climb trees. I mean, I used to. I haven't in years but it's like riding a bike. You don't forget. At least I hope you don't."

Duo had his doubts. "Yeah, sure, . . ."

"Don't you dare tell me I can't. I'm Queen of All Things. "Relena stuck her nose in the air. "And I'll climb a tree if I want."

"Queen of All Things? Phooey, Drama Queen's more like it " Duo jumped to his feet and held out his hand to Relena.

They made a good job of climbing the tree, helping each other and stopping once to plan out the best way to go.

Settling on a wide branch, with Relena leaning against the trunk and Duo flat on his back on the limb, they spent some time looking at the clouds and deciding what they looked like.

"Relly, be careful. If you fall and break something Heero'll break the same bone on me. Plus some more."

"Duo! If Heero is abusing you, you should . . . "

"NO! No. Hey, that was just exaggeration for emphasis. He wouldn't, and if he did I wouldn't put up with it. I got enough abuse from Oz to last me two lifetimes. Thank you very much."

"Well I didn't think he would. I'm jealous. He looks at you like you're the be-all and end-all of creation. I'd like someone to look at me like that."

"Just wait. There's someone out there for you. You'll find them when the time is right."

"Yeah right. And how do I know they want me."

"Huh?"

"_Me_ me. Not Relena, Queen of Whatever."

"Didn't think of that. Damn. Well, they'll just have to pass the Gundam Gauntlet."

"Oh gods. I'm dying a virgin."

On the way down the tree Duo caught his shirt on a branch and tore a hole in it. Relena insisted on seeing if she couldn't have someone at the house mend it and they got into a small wrestling match over it.

"Relena, don't. It don't make any difference, it isn't like I don't have another shirt."

"Here?"

"Yeah. I'm kinda hard on clothes, so I usually have extra stuff in my saddle bags. I'll just have one of the servants get it for me. Then . . ."

Relena had pulled the hole around so she could look at it and she got a good look at what Duo didn't want her to see.

"Holy Crap. Damn it. Duo. Mother F. . . . " Duo clamped his hand over her mouth.

"I think I'm sorry I taught you to swear. Heero's soo gonna kick my ass when he hears you."

"Well I think I've got a good reason to swear. I never saw a scar like that. You should get it worked on."

"I got it worked on twice. You don't get hot plastic stuck to you and have it cured in a minute. I got that at the mobile doll factory about six months ago."

"Mobil doll factory? That's illegal I . . . "

"Yeah . . . and what do you think Preventers are about. _Preventing_ manufacture of interdicted arms, drugs, and especially, mobil dolls and gundams. They're still trying."

"Yes, I get reports. It's sad. You all should have gotten a pension and . . . and . . . not have to do this anymore."

"Who's gonna do it if we don't? The next generation of Preventers never saw war up close and personal like us. We're training guys in their late twenties and early thirties that must have had their heads up their asses all through the wars. The old guys, like us, that remember, are still around but they're gettin' burnt out fast and quitting. I don't know what we're going to do . . . Shit . . . depressing much. Change the subject . . . you've seen one of mine, now show me one of yours."

Duo never thought that Relena would have any kind of scar, but he was sadly mistaken.

"Ok here. Dart in the arm. How's that?"

Duo looked at the scar and shook his head, he unbuttoned his shirt and pointed to a dimple in his chest.

"Dart scar."

"No. Not a gun type. I got this from a pub dart."

"What the fuck were you doing in a pub."

"Well, getting drunk. What do you usually do in a pub?"

"Me? Play . . . un . . . darts? How the hell did you get a dart in your arm?"

"The guy throwing them was so drunk that he missed the target and nearly put out my girlfriend's eye."

"Nearly?"

"Well it was the only thing I could think of right off the bat. Hurt like hell. I cried like a baby."

"So? It hurt, you cried. The girl still has an eye. Seems like a fair trade to me."

"Oh, since you put it that way. But I saw you at your worst and you didn't cry. And don't give me that _I'm a guy _crap."

"Ok I won't. On the streets you have to be quiet. If they know you're sick they'll run over you like a pack of rats. So I'm quiet."

"Shit."

"Here," Duo reached over for Relena

"Ow! Easy there. That was . . . harsh."

"Sorry. I don't know my own strength sometimes. Callouses you know."

"No I don't. Show me."

"Ok, here." Duo opened his hand and showed Relena a leathery, calloused hand. "Pilot a gundam for a while and that's what happens; then handle ropes and guns and do martial arts and demolitions and so on. You'll have a set to match mine."

"I'll never have a set at all, never mind matching yours."

Duo looked blank for a second and then choked on his own spit.

"Ack! You . . . I . . . can you say dead man walking. Heero's so. . ."

"Piss on Heero! I'm tired of being wrapped up in cotton wool. I don't have any idea of how real people act and I'm beginning to think that's a very bad thing. I don't know what really needs done for the real people. Just what politicians tell me needs doing."

Relena plopped down beside Duo on the grass and clenched her bare toes in it. She realized that she'd never gone bare foot before, not even in the house. She always wore shoes or slippers inside and shoes or boots outside.

"I've never gone bare foot in my life and wasn't supposed to climb trees or do lots of things that everyone else did. I don't think it did me much good. Now, you on the other hand. You have a finger on the pulse of the populous. You know what's going on. I don't. Not good. I'm going to have to figure out. . . . " Relena mumbled away while Duo watched Queen Relena emerge for a moment. It was interesting.

"Earth to Relena. I'm hungry what say we get some lunch."

"Ok. I made special arrangements for lunch; it's in the gazebo over by the reflecting pond."

They headed for the Gazebo, carrying their boots. Duo started down the path that Relena said lead to the pond but turned back at Relena's distressed 'eep'.

"What? Hey, you're a real tender foot. Here sit down, let me see that."

Duo squatted at Relena's feet and took one dainty foot in his hand. He passed his thumb over the sole and decided he'd never seen such a soft delicate member in his life. The sole of her foot was softer than his face. It felt like satin.

"Damn, I've never felt such soft skin in my life. Here, I'll carry you."

Duo swept her up in his arms and headed down the path, completely forgetting about their foot wear. He carried her to the gazebo over her laughing protests.

"You can't carry me so far Duo, I'm too heavy."

"Well, bull shit. You don't weigh anything. Easy to carry you. It'd be even easier to carry you if I put you in a carry hold, but that's hard on the belly and I don't want you sick."

Duo swung Relena down on the seat in the gazebo and laughed down at her. He explained, "Well you weigh less than half what Heero weighs, it's harder to carry someone in your arms." He demonstrated, bending his arms at the elbow. "But I don't need a hand free and you don't weigh anything. Lots easier than hauling Heero's heavy butt over my shoulder."

Relena blinked, "Oh . . . well here's lunch."

Duo rubbed his hands together. "What is it? Lobster, steak. What."

Relena smiled serenely.

"Let's see, oh. Escargot for starters, then sweet breads in cream sauce, and fried Rocky Mountain Oysters. Salad and fruit."

Duo made a face. "Escargot? But that's snails, isn't it? I don't . . . un . . . not to knock the chow, but you make faces at what I ate as a kid and you eat snails? Sorry but, yuck. And what the hell are sweet breads. It don't look like any bread I ever saw."

"It's a thymus. Glands from a cow--very posh. In white wine cream sauce."

Duo made a face. He'd eat anything not tied down if he needed to but, when he wasn't starving, he tended to be pretty pedestrian in his tastes.

"Ok? I think I'll pass on the breads thingy. And don't think you're putting anything past me, I may be ignorant, but I'm not stupid. I know that there are no oysters in the Rocky Mountains. So what is that? At least it's fried."

"They're . . . umm. . ." Relena giggled. He was going to have a fit. "Testicles."

Duo did the guy thing. The thing guys do when some one talks about getting kicked in the jewels.

"Yipes. You eat . . . ugh . . . and you make . . . Relena! I'm not eating that either."

Relena smiled at Duo wickedly. "Well we all have our own ideas of what is not acceptable food stuffs. " She picked up a small bell and at the sound a foot man came in with a covered tray. "I think you'll find that more acceptable."

Duo hesitantly lifted the cover, then whooped happily. The plate held a hand patted hamburger patty with all the trimmings and a large pile of french fries. The first bite put a smile of bliss on his face.

"Hmm 'is sh' goo' tha' oo"

"Duo don't talk with your mouth full. That's not just polite. You'll choke." But Relena smiled at him indulgently. He was cute when you really took a look at him. Though how a gundam pilot could be compared to a puppy, she couldn't quite figure out.

"Sorry. It's really good. You're really going to eat that stuff? I don't . . . well, each to his own, I guess."

"Actually, I don't care for sweet breads that much, but I do like the Escargot and the Oysters. As long as I have plenty of catsup for the oysters. You ought to try the escargot. You like garlic don't you?"

"Yeah, but I think I'll pass on the snails and have an apple instead. It's better for me than all that butter."

Relena reached for an apple and, picking up a fruit knife, started to peal it for him.

"Um . . . Relena? I'd rather have it whole, if it's all the same to you."

"It's fine with me. I was just trying to be nice . . . why don't you want it pealed?"

"When I was at Maxwell church we never got a whole piece of fruit. It was always in salad or something. . .to make enough to go around and to get out the bad spots. . . .Damnit Relena, will you stop that! The world didn't come to and end because I didn't get a whole apple until I was seventeen."

"Seventeen? What . . . I thought . . . but."

"When did I have time for fruit while I was fighting? We were all damn lucky, sometimes, to have a ration bar and some water. Quatre did really well, and we didn't do bad at all, but fresh fruit didn't show up much and it was usually oranges and bananas and grapes. Don't ask me why no apples, I couldn't tell you to save my life."

"You know, I ve never eaten a ration bar. And Heero used to tell me about some kind of protein drink you made them. What was that?"

"Soy based protein powder, orange juice, soy milk, vitamin powder, yogurt and banana; blend well and hold your nose. It's nasty; but it'll keep you going forever."

"Yuck, yuck, yuck, ick and no way in hell. I'd rather. . . well, I wouldn't really, but . . . eewww."

Relena wrinkled her nose and shook her head. She knew more about their eating habits during the war than she wanted to know, and it didn't seem that they had been well taken care of, no matter what anyone said.

"Duo. I'm sorry. I don't know exactly what I'm apologizing for but I'm so sorry and I'd also like to say thank you. You never got the parades and banquets you deserved, but I'll have a medal struck. I will."

Duo shrugged. "With a medal and a dollar you can get a cup of coffee. A small one. But still. Don't need a medal. What I need . . . what we all need . . . is good medical, dental and a pension. We don't have anything like that." He shrugged again and gave her one of his mask grins. "At least we didn't wind up in prison. That's good. I hate prison. It's always so cold."

At his bleak look Relena started to ask a question but decided to just let it go.

"Oh, Duo! Look at the swans. Did you know that they served roasted swan at the very first banquet ever in Sanq?"

"Roast one of those beautiful birds? Now that's just wrong."

"Yes. I think so too, and besides, they taste like fish." Duo gave her a funny look. "Don't look at me like that. I've eaten swan and I don't care for it."

They sat and watched the swans and cygnets for some time. Duo took some of the bun left over from his sandwich and fed it to the adults, but when he tried to feed the cygnets, the older birds weren't too happy with him and he wound up running for cover as the oldest and biggest male took umbrage to his approach and battered him with his wing joints.

"Ow! Ow! Ungrateful old curmudgeon. That's gratitude for ya."

Relena reached for Duo. He was rubbing the side of his face and she took it between her hands, patting the red spot and turning it to the light to see how bad it was.

Duo just froze like he'd been shocked.

Relena gave him a small sad smile. "What? I can't take care of a friend? I'm no Quatre but I do know a little. Here . . " She dipped a napkin into the ice water glass and pressed the cold cloth to the mark on his face. "Hold this on the owie. It'll keep it from bruising."

Duo bit the inside of his mouth hard. Owie? "Un . . . thanks. It's not bad. I don't think it'll bruise. But that bird. I can see why some wind up lunch."

"Un Duo?"

"Yeah?"

"Curmudgeon?"

"What? I'm not completely ignorant."

"I know."

"Ok, ok. Wufei gave me a word-a-day calender."

"Come on, I'm tired of sittin' here. Ya wanna dance."

Relena noticed that his accent got funny when he got nervous. He spoke well but . . .

"Duo? You started talking . . . differently."

"Yeah I did, didn't I. I do pretty good, even when I'm sick, but when I get nervous I go all to hell."

"Excuse me?"

"I regress to L2. You should . . . well, . . . give me a sec. . . . ya wanna go bat at dat' place. An' we getts ta bif it."

Relena looked at Duo like he'd lost his mind "Yeeessss and then?"

"I said, 'do you want to go back to that place.' And then what I meant was 'we get to steal' something."

"Oh. But Duo. I well . . . I never . . . I . . . if you want something just ask for it you don't have to steal . . ."

Duo turned from a smiling, slightly embarrassed, young man to a snarling fury.

"I don't steal from my friends--never. I'll really starve first, and I never stole anything from someone who couldn't afford to lose it. I'm . . . damnit. Shit, Relly, you really hit a button then."

"Duo I'm sorry. I know I'm . . . well . . . please . . . just can't we forget this?"

"Not now we can't. Relena. I never stole stuff just because I wanted it. I only stole things that I could sell for money to buy food, or food itself. I was feeding eight kids younger than me and doing it by stealing and picking pockets."

"Oh hell on a stick. And how old were you?"

"Um . . . I did it for . . . Geeze, I'm not really sure, first there was Solo, and I helped him; then it was just me and the other rat-babys. So I guess about from the age of seven or eight until I went to Maxwell. Then again after, until I started training to be a pilot."

"So you were eight years old and taking care of kids younger than you were. I give up! I'm sorry I ever called you bad names. I don't understand your life and I don't think I want to hear much more. It just makes me sick. Where were social services and . . . and . . . "

"L2? . . . Corruption, fraud, embezzlement, you name it. Most of the charity money wound up in someone's pocket. It still does. I'd like to look into it some time, but . . ."

"You look into it anytime you like. I'll make arrangements, just you say the word."

"Ok . . . word."

"Done."

Relena stuck her hand out and waited for Duo to shake it. But he smacked it instead, she blinked then held it over her head.

"Up high, on the side, down low, so you know."

Three smacks sounded out and Duo laughed. "You're all right, you know that?"

"I'm glad you think so. Here. Let's go to the green house and I'll show you my phalaenopsis."

"Un . . . Relena? You remember I'm gay?"

"Orchids ass. And yes I do. Question?"

"Sure."

"I remember, in biology at, . . . I forget which school. "

"Yeah, you sat behind me and I could feel the chill on the back of my neck. Brrr" Duo shivered dramatically.

"Sorry. But you and Heero were passing notes. What could you possibly have been passing notes about?"

"A mission. We were planning that night's mission. We got the parameters that morning and it had to be done that night. So . . . note passing."

"But if the teacher had gotten it. You'd have been busted."

"Yeah, like he could even have read the signatures."

"He couldn't read it? What language . . ."

"None. Code. Gundam code. You couldn't read it to save your life."

"Wanna bet."

"You . . . but. Okey dokey." Duo pulled a note pad and pencil out of a pocket and wrote for a moment.

"Here."

"Ok, it says . . . 'If you can read this; I'm scared.'"

"I'm scared."

"Don't be. I didn't learn it until after the war. I learned it so I could read some of the reports and then it wasn't necessary as the ultra pacifists gave up putting you all in prison. Mainly because I threw a fit. Big one."

"Relly, for me? . . . I'm flattered."

"Hump! But codes? You said codes, more than one. How did you learn them all?"

"I've got a really good memory. Had to have; no books on the street. I know eight gundam codes off the top of my head and all the Preventer ones; and I speak Spanish, French, English, Japanese some, Italian, Check, Russian, German and Polish. Oh and Esperanza and Klingon. And I can read and write them too."

"Damnit Duo. I've needed a competent translator and couldn't take one because of security and there you are standing . . . I mean sitting there and . . . I could just bop you one."

"Sorry; didn't know you needed me or I'd have been there."

"You don't like me, why would you?"

"I never said I didn't like you. I was more than willing to be friends, you're . . . look, I'm not even gonna go near this. Drop it. Ok?"

"Consider it dropped like it was poison. Here we are, the green house. See the Phalaenopsis?"

"Ooooo! Pretty. Look like butterflies. Do they smell? I don't think it's a flower if it doesn't smell."

"Some do, some don't. Smell this one."

"Smells like vanilla sorta."

"That's because it's vanilla. This is where vanilla comes from, the pod of this plant. Vanilla planifolia."

"Really? Wow. That's incredible. Can you make ice cream from it?"

"No. This one won't ever actually make a pod. The conditions aren't right. But that's the plant at any rate."

Duo rampaged through the green house asking all sorts of questions and Relena followed behind him answering as many as she could and filing the rest away for later. If he cared enough to ask, she cared enough to answer.

"Relly?. . . Relly? . . . hey! Were'd you go. Don't hide on me. I don't like it."

Relena poked her head out from under a bench.

"Sorry! I wasn't hiding, I found some weeds and I was just pulling them before it takes over."

"That's not a weed, that's mint."

"It's a weed in the green house. A weed is just a plant that has grown where it's not wanted. So mint in the mint garden is a good thing; in the green house it's an aggressive weed."

Duo reached for the mint.

"Here, give me that and we'll make some tea. Spearmint is good for your digestion."

"Digestion? I thought you had the digestion of a goat."

"Not really. From years of starvation and the fighting on an empty stomach and tension and getting beaten up, I got . . . not a delicate, but a sensitive stomach. I get sick if I get too tense. I throw up before every mission. Then I'm ok, but I get tired of the jokes, so I tend to pamper my stomach some. Anyway . . . tea?"

"Sure, you wanna know my secret? Yeah you do, I can tell by the look on your face. I get sick too. Before every appearance I shake like a sick pup and some times I throw up too. That's one of the reasons I don't wear a suit more than probably three times. I get so sweaty that I have to wear shields so I don't sweat through the material. Imagine . . . the Queen of whatever with underarm stains."

Duo gaped at her for a moment then snickered. His snicker turned into a belly laugh and they were at it again. Laughing like loons.

A sudden sound from the bushes changed everything so suddenly that anyone watching would have been flat out lost.

Duo grabbed one-handed for Relena and produced a gun from somewhere in his clothing. Relena didn't resist being grabbed, she just went where Duo led, and he headed for the most defensible place he'd seen lately, which was the gazebo.

Relena hit the path and yelped, her feet were to tender to even walk on the gravel, much less run. Duo realized that she'd walked on the grass before.

"Can you call your security?"

"No. I don't have a signaling device of any kind. They are supposed to be near at all times. I've never been more than six feet from security in years."

"Well, fuck me. Come on. I'll carry you."

Duo stuck his shoulder in Relena's belly and hoisted her into a fireman's carry. She didn't know what to do with her hands, but as he took off running, he told her.

"Reach down and get ahold of my belt; left in front, right behind, and hang on. Don't let go for anything. If I go down, I'll cover you best I can."

Duo clamped his left arm over her leg and, the only thing she could call it was, turned gundam; all of a sudden she wasn't sure she was with the same man. He looked different; harder, colder, and so fierce that she finally understood how he could call himself Shinigami.

Duo ran like all the fiends of hell were after him. He was headed for the house. He knew they were cut off from the gazebo, he'd heard rustling in the bushes, but he was afraid they were cut off from the house too.

"Get in my braid and find that plastique. Pinch off a piece the size of a pea and stick a detonator in it. If you can manage all three detonators, it'll be better. If you drop it, just let it go. Unless you drop it in my pants."

"Ok"

Relena managed to do as she was instructed. She just divided the explosive into three mostly equal parts, pinched it around a detonator and handed it to Duo. She couldn't believe she'd actually managed to do it, but Duo had told her 'you wouldn't believe what you can do if you have to, especially if lives are on the line.' she believed him now.

"Relena. I said. . .well, never mind. You took a page out of my book."

Duo tossed one ball into a bush and, a few feet later, another. He waited until he was sure someone was near the first mine, then he detonated it. There were screams and the shouts that proved they hadn't gotten all their stalkers, so Duo set off the next mine and it got more screams and shouts.

"Damnit! There's a shit load of them. Those two explosions should have taken out everyone in a six-foot radius. Shit . . . shit . . . shit. We are so screwed. Relly, if I do go down, I think you better high tail it for the house. You'll just have to forget about your feet and do it. Cuts'll heal; a shot to the head won't."

"Duo, it won't come to that. I won't let it. I'll get down now and run."

"No you won't. I can run twice as fast, with you on my back, as we can with you on the ground. I'm ok, I'm not even winded. It's not like I'm tryin' to haul Yuy's heavy ass around. Now shut up so I can listen."

Relena shut. She listened too and she didn't hear anything but shouts in the distance.

"Is that good or bad?"

"No noise near us; good, maybe; or really bad. All that ruckus in the distance is Yuy and Chang."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I've been on the receiving end of Chang on a bull horn enough to recognized him. And you think I wouldn't know Yuy when I hear him?"

Relena grabbed back hold of Duo's belt and hung on as he darted through the heavier underbrush off the path and made a break for the safety of the house. She kept up a constant stream of vituperation that made Duo snort despite the seriousness of the situation.

"Make you feel any better?"

"I'd really feel better if I had a gun."

"Yeah and I'd feel really worse."

"I can shoot."

"I heard about that. Nice shot. Could you do it again?"

"No."

"Didn't think so."

Relena felt Duo flinch and even felt the heat of the bullet that grazed his side.

"Relly! RELLY! Damnit. You ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine, just short of breath. This carry-over-the-shoulder shit is hell on the diaphragm. Are you ok? I felt you flinch."

"Took a hit. Feel around and see how bad it is. I can't afford to stop now, we'll get caught."

"Duo! If you're shot you have to stop."

"No I don't! Not before we get to the house . . . Fuck! . . . How much farther is it?"

"Not far. About another three hundred yards. Oh shit! . . . oh fuck! Damn! I see them. I . . . there are six of them. Duo . . . drop me and run. I'm only holding you back."

"Yeah right. Drop_ you_ and run. Stupid git. This is what I get payed big money for. Here."

Duo handed the last ball of explosives to Relena, turned and picked off the six assassins as calmly as if it was just a firing range exercise. Then he stuck the ball of explosives to the tree and quickly strung a trip wire. Relena wondered exactly what else he had in that braid..

"Duo! Where are your boots?"

"Same place your shoes are."

"You can't run bare footed through all this brush and stuff. You'll cut your feet to ribbons."

"Too late. Done and done. Let's go." Duo turned to Relena and made a face. "You're doing good. Don't fall apart on me now. Upsy daisy."

Duo dumped Relena back across his shoulder, she grumbled, "This is getting to be a really bad habit. Maxwell, we've got to quit meeting like this, Heero will get jealous. And I don't fancy facing that death glare from hell."

"Which one? Number one, two or three. I don't think this will qualify for a higher number. Unless I buy the farm, then he'll burn the house down."

Relena watched their back as best she could upside down and bouncing. Suddenly Duo's left arm twitched, then there was a really big explosion.

"What?"

"Got a tell in my sleeve. Gave me a tiny shock so I knew the trip was triggered. Gives time to duck if you're still close. Relly. I'm gonna have to stop talking, I'm gettin' short of breath. Been runnin' a little longer than I figured on. Hell of a big spread here. And bleeding like this isn't helping any."

"Ok. But we're almost there. If you cut hard right, we'll come up on the terrace, and it's a short way to the library doors."

"Cover?"

"Not much, but more than any other door on this side of the house. And that's where I think. . . oof."

Duo dumped Relena on the ground and stood over her. A feral snarl ground from between his teeth as shadowy figures surrounded them.

"Duo?"

"Relena not now."

"K . . . but I don't think Heero will appreciate being shot by his lover. I know I wouldn't."

Duo shook his head and managed to stand down from the extreme tunnel vision of full battle mode.

"'Ro? That you? "

"Yeah . . . and Chang. You ok lover?"

"Yeah. I'm ok."

Relena butted in quickly. "No, he's not. He's been shot. I'm not sure how bad and he's been running bare footed all over the place with me on his shoulder."

"'Ro. I'm good. Go find the bad guys. I'll get back to the house on my own. Relly can help me."

Heero glanced at Duo. He'd only looked at him once then turned back to scanning the woods for attackers. Chang also wasn't looking at Duo. He was scanning his own area of woods.

"Maxwell, you better not be playing some kind of practical joke. I'll have you cleaning toilets for the rest of your life."

"Damnit Chang. Jokes, yes. But not with Relena's life and safety. Does this look like a joke to you?"

Duo yanked his shirt out of his belt to show a bloody furrow along his side. Relena realized that the bullet had only missed her head by luck.

"Ok, my bad. Yuy. Let's head out. We got a mess to clean up if I'm any judge."

Duo sat on the ground for a few minutes as Heero and Wufei moved into the woods with several Preventer agents behind them. Relena noticed that they all looked at Duo then just moved on.

"Aren't they going to help you? What the hell is wrong with them. You can't . . ."

"Yes I can, and I will. Come on. I want to get to the house. Can you walk or do you need me to carry you."

"I'll walk. The grass is soft. Here, lean on me."

"You'll get all bloody."

"Like I care. Come on, I want to get you to the house. Phargan can take a look at you, at least."

So Duo leaned on Relena and they headed for the house. He was ready to collapse but not until he was sure Relena was safe.

"Duo? How bad is it, really?"

"Not that bad. I'm not bleedin' much now, and if we can get a field dressing on it soon, it won't be anything at all. It's loss of blood that'll be a bitch."

"Ok, we're here. Sit down."

Duo sat down and then started to get back up.

"Duo. Down."

"I'll get blood all over the upholstery."

"Fuck the upholstery! Here!"

Relena snatched the knife out of her waist band and cut the couch across the back

"Now it needs fixing anyway. Down and stay."

"How the hell did you?"

"It almost fell out while I was hunting for that explosive."

"Well shit."

"Not now."

Relena backed off while medics did what medics do. And Duo bitched and complained all the way.

"Well Mr."

"_Agent_ Maxwell."

The medic turned to look at Relena and paled.

"Agent Maxwell. That's nasty looking, but not really serious. I'll just give you a shot of. . ."

"Not givin' me a shot of nothin'"

"See here, young man, I know . . ."

Relena took over. Duo was looking pale and tired and he didn't need this.

"We don't need your shit. Shut up and get out. He only takes certain drugs and you don't have any of them."

"He needs an antibiotic."

"You got penicillin?"

"Not that antique. We've got much better things now."

"Yeah? And he's allergic to all of them. You want to kill him, just shoot him, it's more merciful than anaphylactic shock. And suffocation."

The medic gulped and nodded "But he's . . . "

"He's Gundam Pilot 02, Senior Preventer Agent Duo Maxwell; thank you very much, and

I'm . . . "

"You're . . . er . . . her majesty Queen Relena Peacecraft."

"Yes. Do you think I can't take care of the man who just saved my life? . . well?"

The medic packed up quickly and left.

Duo eyed Relena and asked in a small voice.

"Um . . . exactly where am I gonna . . . erm . . . Heero'll be busy for some time. Cleaning up your mess."

"My mess"

"Yeah, yours. Divide that plastique in three pieces? You really like fireworks girl."

"Sure do. If a little is enough, then more is better. Right?" Relena leered at Duo then crossed her eyes.

"Oh! Oh shit. Don't make me laugh. It hurts!"

Relena gave Duo a sheepish smile. "Sorry."

Just then Heero came running in, panting and glaring around.

"Where is he? What . . . 05 status Duo!"

Duo started to struggle up from where he was laying on the couch, Heero couldn't see him because the back of the couch was to the door.

"Here Heero, don't make him get up. He's just seen the medic and they butterflied him to hell and gone."

Relena watched as Heero actually jumped over the couch in order to get to Duo faster, he lifted Duo into his arms and examined him quickly.

"You ok? What happened? I need status. Now!"

"Ro I'm ok, just a graze. I got worse in that motor wreck last month. I just did a lot of running and stuff. Relly isn't a dead weight like you, but she's not a feather either."

"Damnit Duo. You scared the life out of me. You and Relena at one time? I'm too old for this shit."

Duo gave Heero a disgusted look and Relena took up for him.

"Heero don't you dare scold him! He saved us both. Oh hell! His feet! That stupid medic . . . and Duo, you didn't . . . fuck. Damnit to hell and gone! You're both high maintenance. Duo if you . . . son of a bitch look at that!"

Relena shocked Heero to his toes. Not only was she swearing up a storm, she had crossed Duo's legs and flipped him over on his stomach. She was looking at the soles of his feet with a look on her face that could only be called pissed.

"You didn't have that medic look at your feet and they're all cut up. At least they. . . well damn and blast and . . ."

Relena ran down. One good look at Duo's feet had shut her up. They were even more calloused than his hands.

"What's the problem? Where are your boots, Duo? You. . . well . . . shit."

Heero looked too, and saw what Relena couldn't. Duo had cut his feet, but only down into the callouses. The callouses on his feet were so thick that his feet hadn't suffered much at all.

"Um . . . no shoes til I was at Maxwell church, and even then, they didn't fit very well; and Howard did his best, but by then I wasn't . . . well . . . I was still small enough that what he had didn't fit. G finally made sure I had shoes just before I landed . . . erm . . . I'm sorry?"

Heero just hugged Duo and gave up. The things he said sometimes made him so mad that all he could do was make sure he didn't do without again.

"Heero, if you don't quit grinding your teeth we'll never get him into a bed."

"A bed?"

"Yes. If you think I'm going to subject him to the mercies of the local snake pit, you're crazy. He'll stay right here. I've got staff in house. They might as well earn their salary."

"Relena, I don't need any nursing. I just wanna go home and lay down."

Heero growled, "Not a chance! The ride is too long. If Relena says she'll put you up, we stay." He turned his head and queried Relena with his eyes.

"You stay. No arguments! I'll let Heero tie you to the bed."

"Aw Relly! Damnit. I wanna go . . ."

"Shut up, Duo!"

He got it in stereo. He goggled at Heero, and Relena.

"It's a conspiracy, that's what it is."

"Sure is."

"Damn right."

Relena capped the climax by saying, "Besides, you owe me one. You promised to teach me to spit."

Duo gave up and allowed Heero to carry him to bed.

"Heero?"

"Yeah?"

"She's not at all what I thought."

"Told you so."

Authors notes

the protean drink really exists.

2 tbs. soy-based protein powder

1 tsp. vitamin powder or recommended daily allowance

½ c. plain yogurt

½ c. soy milk

1 tbl orange juice concentrate

1 banana

Blend well, hold nose, drink. It really is nasty but it will keep you going.


End file.
